I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Randomize
