My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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