everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
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