tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Randomize
