I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
I cut my penus on the lid.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
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