Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Randomize