Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
