There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
