Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
