this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
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