me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
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