I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
