Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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