i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
