Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Randomize
