I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize