we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
