I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Randomize
