meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
