apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
