Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
