and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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