Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
google image searching george stephanopoulos at 1 AM on a saturday night...once again
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
