I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I could fuck to npr.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
