wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Randomize
