I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
