dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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