We won't sleep together?
I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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