Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Randomize
