chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
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