Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
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