I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
