As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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