My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
Randomize
