May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Boobs are out for the taking
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Randomize
