I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
My vagina is very pro this idea
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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