nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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