dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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