There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
Randomize
