nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
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