I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
