i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
jump out the window naked night went bad
Randomize
