Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
It's shark week go big or go home
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Randomize
