My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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