Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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