Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
