She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
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