I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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