Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Randomize
