mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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