Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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