There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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