I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
