if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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